Brentwood Vs Maldon, 23/3/24

It's the end of the season and the deciding day for if Brentwood would win the league, and I'm sure that because they knew this no one in the Brentwood team would have done anything that could impact that chance such as drink wine the night before or leave their shin pads at Chelmsford, right? After finishing watching the first bit of the wockey on before us we migrated to the changing room with just one question on our minds, where is the rest of the Maldon team?

Eventually Maldon rocked up, with not one, not two but three shirts with 11 on the back. Their team was interesting with atleast one too many top knots and a forward who had one foot in the grave. I will give respect where it's due though to the Maldon player who after sarcastically clapping the umpire tried claiming that he was just "rubbing sand off his hands" in a line that I wouldn't have come up with that as quickly however that did earn him a yellow and green from Lorna (no idea what she decided on in the end but I've seen less cards in a casino). Must have been a long drive for them and props to them for actually showing up unlike Romford, luckily we beat them otherwise it would have been a very awkward evening at the ball. Thankfully we won't need to be eating the terrible post match teas at Chelmsford this year as they bottled promotion, the draw back on that though is that we'll have to drive further to get to Saffron Walden *shudders at the thought of extra fuel consumption*. The match finished with a team photo and Owen bragging about how he's already down a champagne celebration this year before pouring some alcohol on us.

The real celebration came at the ball. I believe the club have received multiple slogan submissions slating Chelmsford and Aaron enlightenes us with his thoughts on our new logo. Bringing your cousin as a date to something would be considered slightly inappropriate to most people but Tom Anderson didn't let social boundaries stop him ?, pretty sure there was a video about something like that online. On an entirely unrelated note Jacob might not score on the pitch but he certainly... well you can fill out the rest (this year's Brady and Zoe???). I wonder if he's shouted "that's my missus" at her yet. What else can be said about the ball, the tea served was adequate, the cheesecake was reported as being terrible (poor Paddy he was so looking forward to it), the calligraphy on the placement mats was excellent so much so that it has completed the Brentwood shrine in my flat, and I don't feel like enough people appreciated the tap in the bathroom enough. High enough water pressure without splashing, good volume to cover your hands all at once, a motion sensor that you don't need to wave your hands for (lack of intructions meant Henry Mac struggled to operate it) and despite it not my favourite Dyson in the airblade family the hand dryer did an almost good enough job at drying my hands. Today we can feel sorry for Maldon, but the person I truly feel sorry for and pity is not Maldon, it's not even Basildon who came last, it is Smiler who now has to endure 10 sessions at his gym with Paddy.